This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students: It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.

1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.

5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.

7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.

12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose

14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.

15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight..

18. Blood flows down one leg and up the the other.

(Source: Arcamax.com)

Honouring the request of Ms Kavita Ganguly.

This picture was taken during my recent visit to Kerala for a welcome week long break. We have a small pond in our backyard. This Water Lily grew in there. This picture was taken in low light with the Flash on.

Click here for larger version

The debate whether consultants are useful or not has always been an ongoing one. As hoteliers, we also have to deal with consultants at some stage or the other. Recently at a hoteliers meet the discussions turned to this contentious issue. The following example was quoted as a case in point:

A hotel owner hired a consultant to increase the efficiency of the Food & Beverage service procedures. He then visited the hotel to assess the situation and the progress made after hiring the consultant. He was staying in the hotel and while going around observed all the Food & Beverage Service Staff were carrying a spoon in their shirt / coat pockets.

Curious he made some enquiries. He was informed that research has proved that in a restaurant or banquet function every 2^nd or 3^rd person drops a spoon. If the steward carries the spoon or the fork the same can be immediately replaced, thus saving time needed for going into the pantry and getting a replacement. This decision brought about a 24.23 % increase in efficiency. The hotel owner was impressed and also pleased with himself for having decided to hire a consultant.

Later he observed something else that was peculiar. All the Service staff had a small string attached to their zippers. On enquiry he was informed that the strings helped the staff in using the toilets without touching their zippers. This saves the time consumed in washing of hands, thus bringing about a 43.75 % reduction in time taken for each visit to the toilet and contributed to 17.63 % improvement in efficiency. The owner was impressed, but at the same time confused as he could not figure out something. After a lot of thought he called a steward and asked him” it’s commendable that you save time opening the zipper using the string without touching it, but how do put your stuff back. The steward smiled, replied a bit shyly and reluctantly: “Sir! we use the spoon”!!

A small touching story I received as a forward in my mailbox ..

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"

DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?" replied the man.

SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"

DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.

SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"

DAD: "If you must know, I make Rs.100 an hour."

SON: "Oh," the little boy replied, with his head down.

SON: "Daddy, may I please borrow Rs.50?"

The father was furious, "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs.50 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

"Are you asleep, son?" He asked.

"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier" said the man.

"It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the Rs.50 you asked for."

The little boy sat straight up, smiling. "Oh, thank you daddy!" He yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

"Why do you want more money if you already have some?" the father grumbled.

"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.

"Daddy, I have Rs.100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?

Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.

It's just a short reminder to all of us working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.

Do remember to share that Rs.100 worth of your time with someone you love.

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

(Source www.arcamax.com)

Happy Onam (Onashamsakal) to all Mallu ilanders and to all others who share the sentiments and the festivities!!

It was an idyllic Sunday afternoon. We had finished watching a Mohanlal flick on TV. We means me, my wife and my kiddo. I have always harnessed a secret desire to be a film star and consider myself fit enough to be star material in my own quixotic dream world. Anyway having nothing better to do, I probed and ask my kiddo “Don’t I look smarter than Mohanlal (those who are not familiar with mallu filmdom, Mohanlal is a senior actor and one of superstarts of Malayalam Cinema). Kiddo looked at me puzzled! Don’t really know if it was the look on my face or the fact that he really believed it, he said “Of course dad, u are smarter and more handsome than him”. I smiled and my day was made. Anyway, I decided to go further and asked “Who’s smarter? Me or Mammootty (mammotty is another mallu film superstar)” he quipped “u dad”.

I was pleased with my kiddo’s confidence in me decided to get bolder. I queried him on bollywood stars and competed with them. Kiddo nonchalantly and without a secong thought voted in my favour and conferred upon me the distinction of being smarter and more handsome than all bollywood heroes whose names I could remember. Even if it’s a small victory and only from the perspective of my kiddo for whom his dad is important, I was rather pleased and elated.

Having conquered bollywood, I decided to head for hollywood and ended up being voted in favour of Pierce Brosnon, Tom Cruise et all and my joy knew no bounds. Finally I decided to put an end to all competition and asked him, “Who is the smartest and most handsome man in the world?” He gave it a serious thought and said, “Dad I cant say u are the best in the world, but I can tell u, you are the second best”. Puzzled, curious and a lil deflated I wondered, who on earth could my kiddo think was smarter and more handsome than me in this world, especially after me having proved myself better than the Khans and the Tom Cruises!

Finally I thought its time to put an end to the mystery and asked him. “Ok tell me who’s the smartest and most handsome in the world”. Kiddo replied “Cmon dad, u should have known and guessed so much! Who else?? I am the smartest in the world”!! My wife burst out laughing and had a tough time controlling her laughter and as far as I am concerned I had to a tad reluctantly yet proudly hand over the credit of being the smartest man in the world to my kiddo at his age of 7!!

As bloggers we are all very adept at pouring our hearts out and making a whole load of sense using words. But in real life, we often end up assuming that what we mean to communicate has been effectively understood by the person we are communicating to! Do we ever bother to re-check? Here is an example:

On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where Jack had recently started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed him money. "We're in trouble!" He said. "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth."

Jack ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, he sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave him the four rolls of quarters.

Twenty minutes after Jack had left, he handed the coin rolls to his boss. "Where are the quarters?" His boss asked.

"Right here," Jack said breathlessly.

The boss’s face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."

At other times, we are communicative and excellent at best where it does not matter. However when it comes to areas where it matters, we end up assuming that the matter has been communicated without actually making an effort. There are also times when it is hard to gather information owing to lack of communication from the people who matter. Here is another example that effectively conveys the communication gap:

A little old woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please, that's a very unusual request?"

Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"

She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in room 302."

He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber - Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."

The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family?"

She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't tell me nothing!"

Happy Communicating!! Cheers!!

(Jokes Source: www.arcamax.com)

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren't necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don't never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

P.S. The above guidelines came as a part of my daily quota of jokes subcription. Since blogging involves writing .. thought should share it with all my iland friends!! Dont miss out on the subtle humour involved.
(Source Arcamax.com)

May I take this opportunity to convey my gratefulness and Best Wishes to all the WOMEN who have made life on planet earth worthwhile!! I salute Women in all their roles including: Mothers, Sisters, Wives, Lovers, Daughters, Colleagues,  (not in any order!!),  and last but not the least "Friends" on the occasion of Women’s Day!!